My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
