I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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