I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I party with great urgency now.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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