how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
