I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
