Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize