You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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