no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
