You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize