I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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