Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I think I just sharted jello shots
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