Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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