You're completely useless in the revolution.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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