apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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