Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
True strength comes from lack of pants
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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