You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
