Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
