i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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