Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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