does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize