I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
porn star boner night. come get it.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
