Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
