the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize
