Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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