it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
