he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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