does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
