So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
