tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
