he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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