My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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