Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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