I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
