I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
