Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
