The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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