I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
