Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize