I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Randomize
