I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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