This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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