OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
