I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize