eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
