he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
