I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
