i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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