A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It's shark week go big or go home
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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