Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
