Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
