Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Randomize
