The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We just shotgunned beers for America
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
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