I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
