I just cut my nipple shaving
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
