but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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