So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
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