She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Damn victory sex feels great
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
