sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
