My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
