I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
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