Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
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